It’s wedding season again! In fact, it’s not, which is why my third cousin’s November wedding is unusual. This part of my family is extremely conservative, and I’ve been advised that if I want to bring a date at all, I have to bring someone who fits in.
Fortunately, Peter Thiel supports me. It seems that even after quitting Facebook, he hasn’t given up on right-wing dating apps. Indeed, on September 30, Thiel invested $1.5 million in The Right Stuff, which was launched as a hub for conservatives.. Unfortunately, it’s invite-only, possibly because there’s an option to admit you were part of the January 6 riots and the FBI is at full capacity.
App reviewers have noted a few issues: Even if you fill out a profile, you can’t start swiping until you receive an invite. People say there are almost no female users. Oh, and some users claimed to have received calls from the FBI. The Right Stuff currently has an average rating of 2.6 stars in the App Store. It’s only just launched, though – I’m sure they’ll fix the issues in no time. The FBI must have something better to do, right?
Each Right Stuff user has three invites, so I needed to find someone who hadn’t used all of theirs and then ask them to invite me. I made several calls to my Instagram and Twitter followers, and went so far as to let the app search my phone contacts for users who might be there. No dice. Hoping to increase my chances of entry, I decided to fill out the profile in whatever way I thought was most appealing to users. I have to admit that I am not “technically” a “conservative”, so as such I had to put myself in a different mindset to fill out the form. If you are my dream wedding date, pull me a line. Especially if you like to dance!
First name: Ginny
Last name (Optional): Let’s go with… DeSantis
Postal code: Maybe it’s best if I treat it like the nuclear codes and say mine are at Mar-a-Lago.
Sex: Female. (The app gave me exactly two options and warned me that it couldn’t be changed later.)
Height: 5 feet 7 inches. (Unlike sex, I a m allowed to change that later – and I will if I meet a 5ft 6in king. I would never want to emasculate a man by giving him a full thumbs up.)
Age: 23. (Nobody checks, do they?)
What are your ideal projects for the children? The options are “I want children”, “open to children”, “I already have children” and “not sure yet”. I read them several times to find the “I don’t want children” option (it’s my truth), but alas, it was missing. Indeed, the closest thing to it was to say that I already had them, so I’ll go with it. Bess and Besie. Twins. (OK, those are the names of my cats. No one will know.)
Customize profile with music: I hadn’t heard of the first song offered, and the second was by Chris Brown, so I’m going with option three, “God Bless the USA”.
Favorite liberal lie: There’s nothing funny about liberal lies, and they shouldn’t be used to bind two people together. Joe Brandon was never elected for shit!!!
If liking this is wrong, I don’t want to be right: America.
January 6 was: It’s definitely not a good time to riot, if anyone in the FBI is reading this.
My favorite conservative expert is: Does Jenna Bush count as an expert? Or a curator? Anyway, she’s on TV a lot and she’s adorable.
Within five minutes of ending my profile, I received eight spam emails from a sex site called FlirtyMature. This could, of course, just be a coincidence.
It’s been two days since I submitted my application and I still haven’t scored an invitation, even though the application is for men only. Please invite me to The Right Stuff. I don’t want to go to this wedding alone.